From the Blog

Oct
17
Posted by Derek on October 17th, 2008 at 6:11 am

HD channels on cable are in the process of evolving. We can now see Mythbusters in HD, but we’re still inundated with helicopter flyover shows and ‘Bikini Adventures.’ Now there’s CNN in HD.

Wha? Do we really need CNN in HD? I don’t need to see Wolf Blitzer’s pores, and God forbid they put Nancy Grace on there. But while we tuned in to the final presidential debate last night, we discovered CNNHD’s big contribution to the news landscape:

That’s right – BAFFLE-O-VISION!

We spent, like, a half-hour trying to figure out how those scores on the left and right were working. And that was after we had a discussion about how that heart rate monitor on the bottom was working – everyone doesn’t realize it updates based on instant reaction metering, I guess.

Instead of wondering who this “Joe the Plumber” guy was, we wanted to know how the hell Martin was assigning his points and why Gergen seemed to sleep through the whole thing.

I wanted to follow up on all this data, but for some reason, CNN.com doesn’t even acknowledge this stuff was up there. No listing of the analysts, no breakdown of their points, no explanation of what earns a + or a -.

Most sadly, it made me feel old. I used to think I was a pretty technologically savvy guy, but now I feel all this data flying at us constantly every day is overwhelming. I’m easily distracted, forgetful and strangely exhausted.

Do I blame CNN? Of course not. But as long as I’m frustrated and overwhelmed, I might as well make fun of something.

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Oct
19
Posted by Derek on October 19th, 2005 at 12:12 am

If you have your own website, you might be familiar with the statistics page that your hosts provide for you. On this page, you can get all sorts of facts about when people visit your site most, what they looked at, and where they are browsing from (not your hometown or house specifically, just “USA”, “Germany, etc.) My statistics page also offers a list of search querries that led people to something contained within the web of pages on my domain, minerwerks.com. I often find it amusing to peruse this list because there is obviously no connection between what people are searching for and what is actually on my site. I have compiled some samples for your entertainment.

First up, subjects on which I have no facts whatsoever: san diego childrens pagents interview questions to ask a jock pros and cons of billboards atlanta dumpster rental cute glasses cases

Obvious perverted shit (again, stuff NOT on my site!): suzi quatro’s ass dripping down her leg chat with girls that cyber singer little kim’s tits audrey tautou naked

Scatalogical obsessions: poop stealing poop kangaroo poop justin the poop jeepers creepers poop extreme poop dumb poop the house of poop

??????: need figdish u got kicked in the nuts a picture of mickey mouse smoking kiss velvet painting ants on doughnuts pj harvey 1995 anorexic dog 1997 music scandinavia

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Jul
24
Posted by Derek on July 24th, 2005 at 3:09 am

Do you have a cell phone?

Do you have voicemail?

Do you check your voicemail? Be honest.

Why do you have voicemail if you’re not even going to check my message before calling me back?!

Yeah, I get that you don’t want to use your precious minutes to check messages, but how about my precious minutes spent leaving messages?

Just get rid of the voicemail, dammit!

Thank you.

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Apr
02
Posted by Derek on April 2nd, 2003 at 5:34 pm

What hath Disney wrought with The Princess Diaries?

There seems to be a load of teenage girl movies coming out and, most disturbingly, the teenage girls have a habit of tripping on everything.

Since I work in TV, I was subjected to a reel of spots for the upcoming What A Girl Wants, starring Amada Bynes and (wait for it) Colin Firth(?). One of the marketing hooks in these spots is that Ms. Bynes falls down. A lot. She falls over a wall, inciting this priceless line of dialogue:

“An impossibly large bird just fell off that wall.”

Ha ha. Do sixteen year olds know that bird is also British slang for a girl? Who wrote this and where do I send the analyst bills?

Bynes evidently trips over herself as a waitress and a fashion model, too. When was this kind of physical comedy deemed so hilarious? I haven’t found pain funny since Chris Columbus turned physical comedy into torture comedy with Nine Months.

Now, today, I went to see the Oscar winner for Best Animated Feature, Spirited Away. Obviously the usher that has the extra duty of building up film prints thinks Animation=Kids. Forget that kids are going to be bored twenty minutes into Spirited Away and then shit their pants after about an hour and a half when the creepy things start appearing. If you’ve seen any Anime, you know what I’m talking about.

The point is that I was subjected to a trailer for Disney’s Lizzy Maguire movie. Evidently this is a spin off of a successful cable TV show. I thought it was on Nickelodeon, but evidently it’s a Disney Channel production. I was almost – and I mean barely almost – interested in seeing this because Alex Borstein is in the trailer. And Alex Borstein is FUNNY. Curse you Alex for leaving MadTV!

So Lizzy Maguire is portrayed by Hilary Duff, who looked much older than her actual age on that poster for that Cody Banks secret agent movie starring the Malcolm in the Middle kid. Duff is even younger than Amanda Bynes, but she seems to have the same problem with tripping on everything. At least Amanda Bynes has some charisma for crissakes.

Is this some counter-programming to young girls to ignore portrayals of stable, able-footed women? Are they trying to say, “Hey, we know you’re clumsy, but you can still be a stereotypical teen girl who has no concept of the real world?” I mean, What a Girl Wants takes place in England, and Lizzy Maguire takes place in Rome. How many young girls get a chance to tour Europe sans parents before graduating high school? Bah!

At least the Olsen Twins took these kinds of movies straight to video, and I don’t recall THEM tripping over each other. The adults trip over everything in THEIR movies – as it should be!

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